A Guide to Finding Your Dream Mate

Nearly three years ago, I found myself recently divorced, alone, and wanting to start dating again. Because of my social anxieties, I had very little experience meeting women. This period of time, while difficult for me, eventually became the catalyst for much of the learning and change I have made since. In the time that spans between then and now, I have had 3 serious relationships, and though I still have not found the right girl for me, I am confident that I will. During the next few minutes I will share with you how you can accomplish this as well.

Relationships can unfortunately be distilled into a single formula that actually isn't very flattering. Both people involved in the relationship must give equally to each other of the relationship. If either party stops giving, or takes too much, the other will not be happy and the relationship will begin to fail. With that we understand our role in the relationship before we can even attempt to succeed.

People often say that they want to feel needed in a relationship. While this may seem right, when we are really needed, we tend to get annoyed because the other person becomes needy. Consider this. Which statement makes you feel better? "Honey, I need you to go to the store and get milk." or "Honey, would you mind stopping at the store while your out to get milk?" Actually there are many feelings that neediness can generate in a relationship. Neediness can cause the other person to feel trapped, under valued, or like they're the one that does everything. If neither person is needy, both can happily give because they want to, not because they "have" to. In other words, a relationship will work best when both individuals are self-sufficient, independent, and self-confident.

While there isn't a way to know right off the bat if the people we meet are these things, each of us has the power to become these things ourselves. If you do put in the time and effort to do so, you'll not only be in a better position to succeed in a relationship, but you will also find it much easier to find dates in the first place. These are things you can, and will probably need to work on over time, but you don't have to wait to start dating. Now we just need to know where to go to find dates.

I have seen tons of forum posts where people ask where they should go and many articles that list places.  In the end, only you know where you should look. There is no one place where everyone will find people they are compatible with. My advice to you is to stop looking for some magical place that does not exist.  Get out, try new things, and do the things you love to do. It is in these places that you will have the best opportunity to find what you are looking for.  These places are where you’re most confident, and that added confidence will show. 

Now that you know how important it is to be un-needy and confident, and you know where to look for dates, you’re ready to get out and find that special someone. I wish you the best of luck.  Now, get out and find your dream mate!

The Art of Building Relationships – Part 3 – Basic Rapport Building

In the parts one and two I introduced the concepts of rapport and congruency.  Today I will introduce you to the basic skills you will need to improve in order to build stronger rapport easily.  You will learn what you must pay attention to as well as how body language, speech patterns, and tone of voice affect others.

Building relationships would be much simpler if each person we was exactly the same as the last and we could react to every person in exactly the same way.  In reality, every person we meet will be different in some ways, even if the differences are subtle.  It is these subtleties that we must learn to observe in order to improve our rapport building skills.  What we observe about the people we are relating with is every bit as important as anything we can do ourselves because our observations will dictate the way in which we should interact with the person.

If you attempted to do the “homework” from parts 1 and 2, you have already begun to learn to observe certain aspects of the people you are conversing with. When you are in a conversation, always take time to note the posture, body language, vocal tone of the other person as well as the speed of their speech.  Notice how fast or slow the person speaks.  Notice the posture and position of the person you are speaking to.  Specifically note the positions of hands and feet, the angle their body is at, and whether they are sitting or standing.  Notice if the person’s attention is on you or if it is drifting to something else.   Eventually you will be able to notice all of this transparently during every conversation you’re involved in, but for now you’ll want to slowly start paying attention to more and more so that you can continue to devote your attention to the interaction at hand.  You probably already react to some of these “signals” unconsciously, but one begin to notice their significance, you will be able change your own non-verbal cues to control how you are being interpreted.

One very important signal that we all send is eye contact.  You have most likely heard that you should always maintain eye contact while speaking, but you may not know why.  Our eyes can say quite a bit during a conversation.  For instance if you are speaking to a person and notice that she is often looking up at a clock, you can probably assume that she is either bored, or nervous about being late for something.  If the a person were rolling their eyes, you could probably infer that he was annoyed by something.  You may then be able to infer further what is annoying, or why the person is bored based on the conversation or other cues.  For instance if the person appeared to be sweating more than normal, you might also consider that they may be nervous.  When you are building rapport, you want to communicate that the other person has your attention.  Maintain eye contact when they are speaking as much as you possibly can.

Another think to look for is the other person’s posture.  If you mirror the same posture, you will find that the other person will be instantly more open to you.  This happens because it creates an instant commonality between you and the other person that can be identified with.  From here you can begin to make subtle changes to your posture that will affect the other person in the ways you would like to affect them.  For instance if the person is in a stiff, nervous posture, you can slowly shift to a more relaxed posture, and they will likely follow and be more relaxed at the same time.  Speech works in much the same way.

As with mirroring posture, you should also attempt to mirror speech volume, tone, and speed as best you can.  If you do this, they may follow you as you shift them to the state you want them to be in whether it’s more confident state, or a more relaxed state.  In most cases this means you will gradually make vocal changes in steps over time allowing time for the other person to follow in between.  Combine your speech with eye contact and pattern matching and you will be much better at building rapport.

Now that you have a good idea of what it takes to build rapport I have one more “assignment” that will help you to notice how these techniques work.  If you want to, before reading Part 4, I want you do a little experiment while you are talking to someone.  Initially match the speed of the person’s speech.  After you’ve said a few sentences to each other at that speed slow down slightly and then continue speaking at that rate.  Do this a few times, and pay attention to the speed of the other person’s speech. Now, after speaking back and forth a bit more, speed the speech back up slowly, and notice the effect this has on the other person’s speech.

Be sure to come back soon because in part 5 I will begin to discuss the use of everything you’ve learned up to this point in various situations that you may find useful.

The Art of Building Relationships – Part 2 – Congruency

In the first part of the series, I took time to explain what rapport was, and how you will be able to build better relationships with it.  In this part more on the inverse, and how body language, and incongruence can lead to bad or untrusting relationships.  Congruency can almost be said to be a metric or how consistent you are with your self in your communication.

In most cases, when we think of communication we relate it to the words we say with our mouths, and maybe the tone of voice we use to say them. Many people never realize that their tone of voice, and their unconscious body language have a huge effect on the way that people respond.  This because short of the words we say, the other channels are normally processed unconsciously.  When we are incongruent, people tend to get a feeling that something isn’t quite right about us, or that we’re strange or weird.

If you didn’t do your homework from Part 1, you’ll may want to from this point on.  I am designing it specifically to help you to be more aware of what is happening around you which will be crucial in developing strong rapport skills.  If you did do it, think now about what you noticed.  When people were communicating well, what feelings did you get from them?  What was their body language like when you had this feeling?  What about when they were communicating badly?

Now here’s your homework for Part 2.  I want you to find the answers to the same questions as in Part 1 only this time while you are in conversation.  Answer the same questions for the person you are speaking with.  Are you confident?  Are you nervous?  How is that reflected in your body language?  How is it reflected in your tone of voice?  What about the speed of your voice?  If you slow down your speech, what happens?  If you speed it up what happens?

In Part 3 I will begin to explain how you can learn to build rapport.  I hope to see you back!

The Art of Building Relationships - Part 1 - What is Rapport?

Whether you're here because you want to learn to get dates, conquer your social anxiety, or just because you want to learn to be more socially inclined, at some point you will need to know how to build relationships. Maybe the first thought that pops into your head when you read the word "Relationship" is the thought of romantic relationships, but there are many other types of relationships that we build all of the time. The social interactions we have with friends, family, colleagues, cashiers at stores, and even people we meet in passing all require a relationship of one form or another. A relationship is defined as an emotional or other connection between people, so in reality we have a relationship with everyone that we are connected to in any way. Your ability to build rapport is essentially your ability to build good relationships.

The art of building good rapport could very well be one of the most important things you will ever learn. Imagine if you could walk into an interview, and have the interviewer feel comfortable with you almost immediately.  Imagine striking up a conversation with a group of women you’ve never met before and having them feel like you’ve known each other for years.  Gaining good rapport building skills will have positive effects on every aspect of your positive life. As your skills improve you’ll begin to notice how people are more at ease speaking with you as new doors open to new possibilities in your life.

As you anxiously await part 2 of this series, where I will delve deeper into building rapport, you may wish to do a little bit of homework.  Start to pay close attention to the interactions around you.  Watch both positive and negative interactions, and try to determine how different aspects factor into them.  Watch the postures of the people involved.  Listen to the tone, and pattern of their voices.  Watch their movements.  Most importantly, notice how all of this affects the conversation.  

Until then, have a great time observing those around you!

Was I Socially Distressed?

by Dave Marshall of www.nlpman.eu

I don't know whether I would have been classed as socially distressed when I was young.  I was certainly very, very, very, shy and this shyness affected me all throughout my teenage years and through my twenties and into my thirties.  And then I had an idea, I was working for a large corporation that had an education department and I thought " if I could get it job as an instructor, the company would train me and if I could talk to a classroom full of students then I wouldn't be shy”.  Simple eh!  Well no, as I discovered. Even though I had trained as an instructor and I spoke to a classroom full of students I was still shy.  Not as shy as before but still very shy.  I also paid the price of living in fear every time I had to give a lecture because I knew I was only one page ahead of the students in the Manual, and they were far better qualified than me anyway.  And so life went on, I improved as an instructor in the classroom and my shyness reduced a little bit.

Then I discovered psychology!  I attended lots of courses on various aspects of practical psychology applied to business.  I discovered many things about myself, one in particular was that I was an introvert, surprise surprise.  Another was that other people would view me as being an eccentric person, and I thought everyone was as mad as me, apparently not.  This did teach me a valuable lesson and that was only 2% of the population were like me!  And the other 98% didn't much like the people who were like me.  Now this may sound a very simple discovery that it was a real eye opener to me.  What I learnt was, in public at least, I had to back off from some of my wild ideas and behave like the “normal” people.  I also learnt that something in my past had caused my introversion and so I continued to pursue the dream of becoming normal.

Many years past and I didn't become less introverted, but I did became involved in counselling and therapy, and discovered this new thing called Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).  I then proceeded to learn everything I could about  NLP.  In particular one of the many methods available was called  time line and, using this approach, you could go back in your memory to a particular time that caused your problem.  And as you looked back at this event you could correct the way you saw it and the problem would go away!  Well, could that really be true?  Yes, it is for most things that cause most people trouble.

Another method is to pretend that you can see the unwanted feeling in front of you (I know it sounds weird, but give it a go) and now notice what colour it is(really weird!) And its shape (even  more weird) and now as you pretend that this coloured shape that is in front of you starts to spin, notice what happens as you make it spin faster and faster.  And faster and faster and faster and faster.  Keep doing this until it changes colour and shape and when this happens slow it down until it stops.  Notice what the feeling is like now.  It should have changed into something that feels quite comfortable.  Put your arms around it and pull it into your body.  Now think about the time when you would expect to get the old feeling in the future, meeting new people next week or something, and notice how you feel when you imagine that you are there, seeing new people, hearing them  ask who you are, saying “how are you” and feel them shaking your hand. Pay attention to the new feeling that you will now have.  You can use this technique for any negative or stressful feeling that you may have.  Even if you were on your way to a meeting and start to feel uncomfortable just stop for couple of minutes and spin the feeling.

There are many many techniques in NLP that you can use that are beyond the scope of this article.  Have a look at my website www.nlpman.eu  and  freeiq.com/nlpman, which are both free to use, and contain lots more things you can do to overcome life's problems.

By the way, I would not say I am socially distressed any more, but I am still considered to be eccentric  HO HO !!!

Good luck,

Dave Marshall

Quitting Smoking - The Night Before

If you're like me, you're pretty good at putting thing off until the last minute. Seeing that I have set my goal to quit smoking tomorrow, this means that tonight, I will need to get everything in place. Here are a few things you may want to do the night before you quit.

1. Make sure you have your stop smoking aids ready to go. Go buy them if you haven’t already and make sure to read the instructions so that you know exactly what to do in the morning.
2. Search your house for empty or partially empty cigarette packs and throw them all away.   The more you can avoid thinking about smoking, the better off you’ll be.  If you have packs sitting around, you’ll undoubtedly be thinking about smoking constantly.
3. Get to bed a bit earlier than normal and get a good sleep.  Hopefully if you are more rested in the morning, you will also be less stressed, and you’ll probably think less about smoking.
4. Unless the directions for your stop smoking aid says otherwise, don’t wait until you have the urge to smoke to use them. If you use them first thing, you may completely avoid the cravings all together.
5. Try to avoid stressful situations tonight.  They may not affect tomorrow at all, but why risk losing sleep because of stress if you don’t have to?

Whether you’re quitting with me tomorrow, or planning on quitting in the future, I wish you the best of luck.

The Secret to Learning to Just Let Go and Be In the Present

Do you often find yourself worrying about stupid things to the point that you rarely have fun?  Personally, this has always been a problem for me.  I used to worry about everything and as a result I did just about nothing.  Recently though, that has all been changing as I have learned to focus my attention on the present and live life. In just a few hours today, I was able to do three things that would have left me with a crippling pit in my stomach just a few months ago.  So how did I get to this point, and how can you get to this point?

First you need to understand what it means to be present.  Take a moment to concentrate on everything that is going on around you right now, at this moment.  Forget about what happened before this moment and what will happen after this moment.  Just focus on everything that you see, hear, and feel right now.  This is the present. All of the pain and worry we feel comes from what we have experienced in the past, and expect to experience in the future.  So when you are in the present, you are focused on what is happening right now, instead of what has happened in the past or will happen in the future.

Once you have experienced being in the present you can begin to learn to let go.  It can take a lot of practice to be able to be in the present all of the time, so it makes sense to learn to bring yourself into the present at times when you being in the present is most helpful to you.  Doing this is actually pretty simple once you get the hang of it.  The next time you start to feel a pit forming in your stomach, just start to focus on everything that is happening right then at that moment.  Listen to the sounds, feel the breeze and see the colors all around you.  Then continue what you are doing, focusing on it one moment at a time.

Of course you wouldn’t want to do everything without considering the consequences, but even when you are in the present you know the difference between right and wrong.  You still are able to use your past experience to make decisions, and make choices that work toward what you want in the future.  The only difference is that in the present you don’t dwell on those facts, and can make the best out of every moment.

I have no doubt that if you take the time to learn to be present, you will have much more fun in life.  I cannot even begin to explain the difference that this has made in my life and I can only hope that it will help each of you, my readers, as well.

Further Reading

If you would prefer to learn more about being present, I highly reccomend reading "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Read more about this book...

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) by Eckhart Tolle Read more about this book...

6 Tips to Help You Prepare to Quit Smoking

As some of you already know from my last blog, I have decided to quit smoking this Thursday (April 3rd, 2008) and invite any of you to join me in doing the same. For those of you who are going to continue to wait to quit, you have plenty of time to prepare. For those of us quitting this Thursday, time is short, yet there are still things we can do to help make quitting easier.

#1  Break the Habit

If you are a smoker, I’m sure you have experienced those moments where you unconsciously grab a cigarette and light up.  This happens to me every day in my car.  This happens because you have a habit of lighting up in specific situations.  From now until you quit, when you notice yourself doing this, try to delay lighting the cigarette for as long as you can. Getting used to interrupting yourself before you quit will make it easier for you to resist the urge once you have quit.

#2 Remember to Breath

I don’t know how many times I have read that you should take a deep breath whenever you have the urge to smoke.  While breathing deeply may help you relax and lessen the urge to smoke, it probably won’t eliminate the urge to smoke altogether.   Many of the sources that do suggest breathing entirely miss the point of it.  The end goal isn’t to relax you, or even to lessen to urge to smoke.  What you really want to do is divert your focus from smoking to something else and there is nothing better to divert your attention to than the present. 

#3 Being in the Present

In the past you smoked, in the future things may happen that will make you want to smoke.  Why would you want to focus your attention on either of these while you are attempting to fight off the urge to smoke?  Instead keep your mind on the present.  Breath deeply and take time to look at what is going on around you.  What do you see?  What do you hear?  Let these things pass into and out of your mind as they happen, and just be present.  This will not only help you put more time between your cigarettes as you prepare to quit, but will also help you to resist the urge to smoke once you have quit smoking.

#4 Don’t Be Afraid to Use a Stop Smoking Aid

You shouldn’t feel intimidated or embarrassed about using a stop smoking aid.  The addiction to nicotine can be worse than the addiction to drugs that are considered to be far worse.  Just as with those drugs, your body had a chemical dependency on the nicotine which can be dealt with more easily using these aids.  Whether you choose to use something over the counter, or something prescribed by your physician, you should use something.  Over the next few days decide what you will use, and plan when you will get it so that when the time comes you will be prepared.

#5 Reach Out and Get Support

There are many places you can look to for support.  Whether you prefer calling one of the stop smoking hotlines, turning to your peers, or turning to others who are also making an attempt to quit, don’t be afraid to get support.  I will be more than glad to talk, share stories, and thoughts in comments here and on Plurk (I am sociallydistressed there).

#6 Be Excited

Just by reading this you have already made an effort toward quitting.  With sheer determination, and a little bit of luck, you may soon be smoke free.  You’ll have more money to spend or save. You’ll feel so much better.  People will no long shy away from you because you smell like smoke. 

 

Related Posts:

Quitting Smoking as a Technique to Improve your Self Confidence

Realistically Coping With Approach Anxiety

Most of us who have had to deal with approach anxiety (AA) have heard at least one person tell us “Just do it and it will get easier with time” and assuming that you’re approach anxiety is just as easily dealt with as theirs was.  If you’re reading this because of your AA, it’s probably because you haven’t been able to bring yourself to “Just do it.”  I am writing this primarily because I know how difficult approaching the opposite (or in some cases same) sex can be.

Approach anxiety is something that is experienced by both men and women.  In fact women may experience it to a greater extent due to the fact that traditionally it is the man who approaches the woman.  Due to this, women often feel anxiety for the same reasons as men, but additionally the pressure that society puts on them to not approach.  Because of that many women pass up what they want, and opportunity flies by.  In my opinion, we should all be enabled to go after what we want.

Anything good in life takes some work, and approach anxiety is no exception.  Believing that anything can make it disappear instantly is going cause you to become more and more frustrated until you eventually give up.  Instead it is important to focus on the small accomplishments you make from day to day, making sure to give yourself at least as much credit as you deserve.  If you remain positive you will make progress, be more motivated, be more relaxed, and your anxiety will fade away more quickly than if you try to take on more than you can handle at one time.  You shouldn’t look at this as if controlling your anxiety will take more time than you had hoped.  Instead view it as if you now have a plan to incrementally decrease your approach anxiety.  A plan that will allow you to become more confident in your social skills and abilities with each day that passes.  The false hopes of conquering your anxiety “magically” are now behind you, and you now have the empowerment and knowledge to realistically tackle what it is you have set out to do with confidence and determination.

Good Luck!

Am I Socially Anxious Or Just Shy – Overcoming Social Anxiety Disorder

Matt at “Overcoming Social Anxiety Disorder” has written a very interesting Blog on the shyness and social anxiety disorder.  Personally I choose to believe that the two are the same beast because they involve the same irrational fears.   My social anxieties in some ways extend directly from my shyness as a kid, and because I was “just shy” I never learned to overcome my shyness into adulthood.  “Just shy” became my excuse, lie and reason for being miserable and cut off from the world.  I learned quite a bit reading Matt’s blog, and even though I don’t totally agree with everything, there the majority of what he says is spot on.

http://socialanxietydisorder.org.uk/am-i-socially-anxious-or-just-shy/

The Therapeutic Qualities of Social Networks

Since it was released, I have been hearing quite a bit about this new social network called “Plurk.”  Initially I put off joining as I didn’t want to have to interact with people to build another network of friends.  Finally yesterday I decided to join and see what all of the hype was about.  Initially I started out with the one person I could find that I in my friends list on nearly every social network.  From there it began to expand.  I was reading plurks, commenting and having a blast. Before long, the anxiety I had experienced that had previously kept me from participating in other social networks had disappeared.  I soon realized, that if designed right, social networks could contribute to my quest of reducing my social anxiety.

The Downfalls

Before I get into how social networking can help your social anxiety I want to make it very clear that if you don’t use caution, it could actually slow your progress.  While social networking can help build communication and social skills, it may be very easy for some people to allow it to become their social life.  If you rely on the anonymity of talking to people online to avoid dealing with your real world problem, you problem will likely become worse.  That isn’t why you’re here, so don’t let it happen.

Getting Started 

The first thing you need to do is decide which site you wish to network on.  I would recommend Plurk because it seems to be the most social site of all of the networks I belong to.  I invite you all to join, and friend me (SociallyDistressed) as that will give you a starting point.  Once you have joined, if you didn’t friend me, you’re first task will be to find people you know to network with.  If you friend me (click here), you already have a decent starting point.  From there you can either post your own plurks, find more people to friend or fan, and start networking.

How Can This Help?

There are many reasons this can help.  It provides a great medium for working on your social skills.  There are always conversations that you can jump in on, and you can start your own.  Depending on how much anxiety you experience while talking to people online, this will may also provide some useful systematic desensitization. 

Come, join me, and let’s have a blast!

Social Anxiety | Make Decisions! | General Information | Dealing With Social Anxiety

I stumbled upon this post earlier as I was checking through my feeds.  Prior to this I had always looked at the effect of my anxiety on the decisions I made, but never the other way around.  After reading it however, I am going to try to force myself to make decisions more quickly, and I’ll report back on what I find in a couple weeks.  Make sure to give this a read now though.

Social Anxiety | Make Decisions! | General Information | Dealing With Social Anxiety

5 Ways to Boost Your Confidence to a New Level

Image courtesy of AarinFreePhoto.com.

1. Continue to Learn – The more you know, the more you have to be confident about.  Why not fill in with knowledge in areas where you’re not so confident.  Generally it helps to pick subjects that are relevent to the people you are around.  Perhaps sports, music, movies or current news would be good topics.  It also helps to learn more complicated subjects such as other such as areas of your work you’re not completely confident you know.
2. Take up a Hobby – Not only is a hobbies a productive way to pass free time, but they also give something else to be confident about.  Whether it’s collecting stamps, building models, painting, pottery, hunting, fishing, racing or any number of other things, you become an “expert” to those around you who are less involved in that hobby.
3. Get Some Exercise – Getting up and exercising is a great way to build confidence.  Exercise causes the release of endorphins which naturally make you feel good while being more fit will naturally make you more confident.
4. Organize – Knowing when you have to to be places, and where everything you need is is a great way to build some confidence.  Start keeping track of your bills, finding places to keep things, and keeping track of your appointments.
5. Dress Better – If you don’t already put effort into the things you wear, this can be a great way to boost your confidence.  You know when you look good, and so does everyone else, so put some effort into it.

Dating 101 for the Socially Anxious

Ok, so you've managed to overcome your anxiety enough to get a date, and now you're feeling the dread of the infamous first date. How can you do it? What will you say? Will you sink or swim? Ooooh, the anxiety.

Don't Panic. Did you bring your towel?

Relax, most of your anxiety is most likely caused by irrational fear.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you’re feeling.  What are you afraid of?  How does that make sense?  Once you know the answers to those questions, you can reason with yourself as I discussed in  “Inner Dialog - The Craziness in Us All”.  Beyond that, the most difficult part is being prepared to be social.

How Do I Prepare?

There are a few things that you can do to prepare for your first date that came make a huge difference.  Watch some of your favorite movies again.  Make sure to learn some of your favorite lines, and scenes so you can talk about them later.  Listen to your favorite music, and remind yourself why it is your favorite music. Get to know your likes and dislikes again, and rehearse talking about it with your self, and other people whenever you have a chance.  This will give you a ton of material to talk about while you are on your date.

Talk About Things You Know

I’m sure there are things that you’re very confident with that don’t cause anxiety.  Working these into conversation can be very useful.  As well as the benefit of having more material to talk about, this can lead to other advantageous side-effects.

Talking about the things that you are intimately comfortable will help you to think about those things.  While you are thinking of them, you will slip into the same state you were in as you experienced them.  This will help you to be more comfortable, confident, and prepared to forge forward.  Your anxiety may disappear altogether.

Where Should We Do?

The answer to this question depends on you.  I would suggest doing something that you are comfortable with.  If you are comfortable going out to a particular restaurant, go there.  If you have a ton of fun, skydiving, do that.  Whatever you’re most comfortable doing, that’s what you should do.  This will allow you to be more comfortable to begin with.  If you’re not comfortable doing something, it will only add to your anxiety, but if you do something you are comfortable with, you’ll tend to forget about the things that cause your anxiety and have fun.

But What if I get Rejected?

I wish I could say that rejection isn’t a possibility, but fortunately it is. If you’ve done as I have talked about and you still get rejected, you’re love interest isn’t interested in the same things that you are.   In fact, if he/she isn’t interested in the things that are important to your, you should be the one  rejecting him/her. 

If your date is genuinely interested in these things, you won’t get rejected.  If you do get rejected, that just saves you the additional anxiety of having to reject your date. 

And Now the Date

Now you can plan and go to your date.  You will be prepared to talk about the things you are most comfortable with, do something that you are comfortable with, and be able to get yourself into a state where you are empowered.  Now it’s time to let your anxiety fade away and know that if you should be together, you will be.

Blogging as Therapy for Social Anxiety – Can it Help?

Lately there has been quite a bit of news about how blogging can be therapeutic and I have been reading along. I have been blogging for over two years, and I had never stopped to think about how it might be therapeutic up until I started seeing articles pop up on Digg, Slashdot, and the news.

Even then I started this Blog with no thought as to the therapeutic opportunities it could offer me.  It wasn’t until a few days ago that I started to realize the changes I had made without noticing them.  Prior to starting this blog, I would troll the social networks, waiting for people to add me to their friends lists, and never adding them myself.  I would start to write comments and then chicken out and cancel them before posting them.  It was pretty bad.

Now things are different.  I regularly add new people on the social networks I belong to.  I even message people and strike up conversation occasionally. When it comes to commenting, I now find myself easily posting positive responses, and occasionally having to pry my hands from my keyboard to avoid posting negative responses.  I’ve taken some time to consider how much of this change can be attributed to blogging itself.

I have come to the conclusion that in conjunction with the various techniques blogging has contributed quite a bit to my accomplishments for a number of reasons.  First of all, it has given me a reason to reach out and contact others.  When you combined with my understanding of my irrational fears, I could suddenly overcome the fears to do whatever I had to do.  Secondly, whenever I write an article I learn a slew of things that I didn’t notice before.  I’ll sit for hours writing and re-writing as I discover more about how the different techniques work for me.  Of course while I’m doing that, I come up with hundreds of ideas about how the techniques could possibly be improved, and come up with other related techniques to experiment with in the future. 

I really do believe that blogging is therapeutic, especially when you blog about your problems.  Whether you meet new people with the same problems, or learn more about your problems it is all beneficial in the end.

Related Articles:

Blogging: Group Therapy of the 21st Century – ABC News

Blogging now Considered a Therapeutic Tool – Yahoo Tech

Blogging as Therapy – The Obvious

Blogging seen as Good Therapy – Dr. Deb

NLP Resources

I have mentioned NLP in many of my articles, but I have been trying to avoid writing too much about it, because I do not feel I know enough to do the subject any justice. At the same time I have been itching to introduce everyone to this amazing field as it has been extremely helpful to me. This is why I have chosen to provide a list of resources to help with the matter. Below you will find a list of sites and books that deal with the subject, and do it much more justice than I could.

NLPMan.eu - This site contains many useful NLP techniques. The author has over 20 years experience and has been trained by some of the biggest names in the field. I have personally learned quite a few techniques here including how to cure a headache.

neuro-linguistic-pro-site.com - Yet another excellent reference, Neuro-linguistic-pro-site provides a wealth of information from the basics to more advanced topics.

http://www.intonlp.com/ - Here is one last resource that I felt worthy of being on this list. This site contains just about everything one needs to know including a very good article explaining anchoring.

Inner Dialog - The Craziness in Us All

When you pass someone on the street who is muttering unintelligibly to himself, you most likely take a moment to consider, how crazy that person must be. If you're thinking about it though, you're having your own conversation about it, just internally. This internal conversation that we all have is what is known as "Internal Dialog."

Our internal dialog plays a huge role in how we will feel, act and react in social situations. If your internal dialog is positive and reassuring, you will be much more comfortable than if it is negative. This is why, as social anxiety sufferers, it is important that we pay attention to our internal dialog. Even a small change in our internal dialog can contribute very quickly to putting our anxiety in check.

The biggest difficulty I have had in noticing my internal dialog is that when I am in an anxious situation, my mind empties, and I forget to pay attention to my thoughts. At one point, I was nearly convinced that I would never be able to to remember what I was thinking while I was anxious. Fortunately I didn't give up and eventually discovered that if remembering your thoughts is just like most other things in life. You have to practice it.

I came to this conclusion by considering the things I am good at. Why does my anxiety drive me when I am on stage playing drums? Why does it do the same when I am at the center of attention in meetings? The answer had been in front of me all along, yet it was never directly stated. Just like playing drums, or being able to make highly detailed technical presentations, I had to practice paying attention to my thoughts to get good at it.

Now I, and you can begin to get to the heart of the craziness that we feed ourselves in our own minds. We can start to do away with those crazy limiting beliefs, self-criticisms and illogical fears. The one thing we're still missing is how to get from point A to point B. How do you practice paying attention to your thoughts?

Start here - What are you thinking about right now? Good, find a way to remind yourself to think about it again in 5 minutes. You might want to set an alarm or find another way of cuing yourself to think about it. I haven't tried it, but perhaps one could use NLP to install a trigger. Personally I started by using the time I spend driving to and from work to monitor my thoughts.

Once you become proficient at paying attention to your thinking at your set times, expand it and try to remember to pay attention in more and more stressful situations. Perhaps someone just said something that upset you - What are you thinking now?

So far I have focused completely on paying attention to what you are thinking, not trying to change what your internal dialog is. The truth is, that even just consciously realizing what you are thinking may cause a drastic change in the way you feel. This is probably because one you've consciously taken control of your thought process, you realize that your fears are irrational. Should that not be the case, there is still plenty of hope left.

Now that you know what you think to yourself while you are anxious, you can start to attempt to change your internal dialog. As crazy as it sounds, you can talk to yourself internally. Ask your internal dialog, "Why, when I am in this situation, do you tell me this?" It may surprise you to find that you will get an answer. Don't tell your inner dialog that it is wrong to have this opinion, but instead ask it how it believes this is beneficial to you. At this point, the answer may or may not make sense to you, but just as if you were talking to another person, keep asking questions until you understand why your internal dialog "feels" this way. At this point, you can begin to reason with it.

This was initially difficult for me, but it helped me to imagine that I was actually talking to a different person. Now you need to consider the reasoning your internal dialog had for presenting you with the dialog it did, and come up with suggestions in how it can better help you in the future. "I think it would be better in this situation if you were to tell me this and this because of this and this, don't you think?" Continue to reason with your inner dialog until you can come to an agreement on something that would be more helpful to you.

During this process you may notice that your inner dialog may have justify what it tells you using actual things that have happened to you. In this case you will want to remember these, and write them down when you are done, so that you can reflect on these. I would recommend bringing these up to your therapist if you are seeing one as these may be key to helping you in the future.

If you follow this technique, and take the time to do it correctly, you will probably notice at least some improvement in a fairly short time. Some people may notice a huge change immediately, but as with all good things, these changes can also take time.

The Curse of Self-Limiting Beliefs

In many ways, the beliefs we have define the people we are. Whether positive or negative they define how we interpret and react to each and every situation we experience. Usually it is easy to tell the difference between our positive and negative though, but one type of beliefs, self-limiting beliefs, can often fall into a grey area where they are difficult to realize.



One subset of self-limiting beliefs is very dangerous because they masquerade as positive beliefs that have some potential benefits even though they still limit our over all potential. These beliefs often come in the form of "I can still do this even though I can't do that" or "Even though blah blah blah holds me back there are other ways I can accomplish this." Both of these forms of though may affirm that we can do something, but they limit the range of possible approaches we have to accomplish it.



There are also much more obious self-limiting beliefs. For instance one might think to himself "She would never go out with a guy like me." or "I will never make that much money in my life. Both of these may very well be true, but just as easily as they could be true, they could also be false. If you limit yourself to not trying, how will you ever know?


The negativity associated with these beliefs may not be immedietly noticible because it is implied from the segment of possibilities that we believe we "can't" do even if the belief expresses itself in a positive way. In other words if were to have a problem with walking forwards for some reason, the belief that I could walk to my car backward instead would be a self-limiting belief. This implies that I "can't" walk to my car forwards, and thus I am intentionally excluding the possibility of walking forward because I am afraid to do so. In this way, the limiting belief gives me an excuse to only walk backwards because I can, allowing me the to more easily put off learning to cope with walking forward comfortably. Now I know that is a stupid example, but it explains the general idea very well.

You may be wondering how you can know if a belief is a limiting belief. You can start by thinking of a situation you are uncomfortable in. What beliefs do you have about your ability to deal with that situation? How would normally act and what would you say. Next think about what your internal dialogue would be telling you. From this you should be able to infer how your beliefs limit you to the resources you normally have available to you and exclude the other possibilities.

Once you have identified your limiting believes, you'll need to find a way to expand your possibilities. Sometimes just understanding what was holding you back, and that there are other possibilities will be enough. In other cases you may need to boost your self-esteem, or learn new things to open up new possibilities. No matter the case, identifying, and coping with your limiting beliefs will definitely open new possibilities for you.

But I'm Shy

How many times have you heard someone say "I can't because I'm shy." or something similar? Personally, I have heard it a million times and there have been many times that that same phrase has come out of my own mouth. In reality this phrase is just a well accepted excuse that we use when we are scared of a social situation. Is there a difference between being shy and having a social anxiety? I don't think so.

In reality, being shy is our excuse to ourself to avoid entering into an uncomfortable social situation. It allows us to deny that our fears are unfounded, and comfortably hide behind a socially accepted term.

If being "Shy" is socially accepted, then isn't it ok?
This depends on how being shy affects you.

1. Does it hold you back?
2. Does it frustrate you?
3. Does it prevent you from doing things that you should be able to do?
4. Do you miss out on things because you are shy?
5. Do you avoid finding a job because you're too "shy" to go to an interview?

If you answered yes to any of those, then I would have to say that it isn't ok. Your shyness is composed of social anxieties which you can learn to cope with should you choose. Too many times I have seen people, including myself, sit back and miss out on wonderful opportunities while hiding behind the shield of being "Shy." If you fit into that category, and you would like to change, you can. I have posted alot of information and tips on my blog pertaining different methods I have used to overcome some of my social anxieties. In addition to what I have here there are a number of sites, books, and other information available that can be invaluable in your search to conquer your shyness. In the Related Sites section of my site, I have posted links to a number of sites that you may find helpfull. In addition, you will find that I reccomend various books that I have read in some of my post.

Motivating Yourself for Change

When my wife of 3 years left me 2 years ago I was in for a real shock and a number of lessons in motivation. I had been pretty lucky most of my life, and I never really had to motivate myself to do anything. Everything I wasn't motivated to do had been done for me. I never had to look for a job, work to meet new people, or do little things like clean my house.

Within a month, my house was a wreck, my bills were unpaid, I was lying on the couch whenever I was home more depressed than I had been with my life leaving me, and worst of all, I was living on a diet of beer, fast food, and tv dinners. I say that is worst of all because food has always been important to me, and cooking was one thing that I had always been motivated to do.

For weeks I laid there feeding myself the excuse that it was my wife's fault because she had left me and made me feel so horrible. Finally one day, I woke up, looked around and had a revelation. She was gone, and wasn't coming back. More importantly, it wasn't her fault that the house was a mess, it was mine. I realized that I had to find a way to force myself to do these things that I didn't want to do. Over time I was able to put together a couple of things that worked for me.

Right now you're probably wondering what my housework has to do with social anxieties. Actually it had quite a bit to do with it. First of all, not only was the mess depressing on its own, but the feeling that I couldn't manage to avoid or fix the mess was also depressing. Because I was depressed, it was very difficult for me to get out, be social, and improve my anxiety. On top of that, the same motivational ideas that led to me being able to clean up for my self applied to motivating myself to do things I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise while working on my anxiety.

Here is a list of tips that I have come up with:

1. Don't Threaten or Force Yourself - Have you ever noticed that if someone threatens you, you feel more resistence to doing what they say? Well the same applies to when you threaten yourself. Instead of forcing yourself, you need to find other, more positive methods that will motivate you to do whatever it is you are doing.
2. Consider the Advantages - Take time to think about all of the good things that will come from whatever it is you need to do. If you need to clean, consider how nice it will look, how good you will feel when it is done, and whatever other advantages exist. If you're working on a particular social skill consider the many doors it will open for you, how good accomplishing it will make you feel, and any other advantages you can think of. Don't however consider the negatives such as how long it will take, how much work it will be, and how much you hate doing it.
3. Modify Your Perception of the Task - If you still arn't motivated to do whatever it is after considering the many advantages, you probably have strong negative feelings associated with the task. I use NLP in these situations. If you can think of a particular events that led to you experiencing these feelings, dissociating from them can help to minimize those feelings. If not, or in addition to that you can use triggers to associate positive feelings into your perception of the task. I am not an NLP guru, so I won't even attempt to explain how to do this, but I will reccomend finding an NLP therapist, or reading a book. If you choose to read a book, I would reccomend starting with "NLP: The New Technology of Achievement." Of the NLP books I have read, this one is written the best for beginners.
4. Break Tasks into Smaller Tasks - Whenever you can find ways to break up your tasks into smaller tasks that are more easily accomplished. This way you can concentrate more easily on the smaller, less overwhelming tasks rather than the ultimate task as a whole. When you complete each small task you will feel a sense of accomplishment which you can use to motivate yourself to complete the another small task. As an example, when I clean, I don't clean my whole house, nor do I clean my livingroom. I clean one couch, then another couch, one end table, the other, different sections of the floor, my bookshelves, and finally the TV. Each thing is a seperate task after which I congratulate myself, and take a well deserved short break before moving on to the next task.
5. Rituals are Your Friends - By rituals I'm not referring to ritual sacrifice. Instead I refer to ritualistic patterns that you can employ that will help you to form good habits. If you look back to the previous example, I clean my living room in that same order every time. With anything that you will need to do over and over again, creating a ritual for yourself can be amazingly helpfull, but don't start or stop at the end of your tasks. As part of your ritual, include something at the beginning to get yourself in the right state to do the task, and at the end to congratulate yourself on a job well done.
6. Rituals can also be Your Enemies - Not every ritual is beneficial. In most situations that we deal with on a day to day basis we develop some form of ritual. These rituals can actually be triggers for the negative feelings we have toward doing something. So it makes sense then to try to find these non-beneficial triggers and do something to change them. The trick is to identify these rituals in your life and do something to change them. For instance if you have trouble approaching people in bars, identify your rituals. For instance, if you walk into the bar, find a seat at the bar, buy a drink, and then look around for someone to talk to try something different. Walk into the bar, talk to someone, then sit down and order a drink and see if that makes a difference.