A Guide to Finding Your Dream Mate

Nearly three years ago, I found myself recently divorced, alone, and wanting to start dating again. Because of my social anxieties, I had very little experience meeting women. This period of time, while difficult for me, eventually became the catalyst for much of the learning and change I have made since. In the time that spans between then and now, I have had 3 serious relationships, and though I still have not found the right girl for me, I am confident that I will. During the next few minutes I will share with you how you can accomplish this as well.

Relationships can unfortunately be distilled into a single formula that actually isn't very flattering. Both people involved in the relationship must give equally to each other of the relationship. If either party stops giving, or takes too much, the other will not be happy and the relationship will begin to fail. With that we understand our role in the relationship before we can even attempt to succeed.

People often say that they want to feel needed in a relationship. While this may seem right, when we are really needed, we tend to get annoyed because the other person becomes needy. Consider this. Which statement makes you feel better? "Honey, I need you to go to the store and get milk." or "Honey, would you mind stopping at the store while your out to get milk?" Actually there are many feelings that neediness can generate in a relationship. Neediness can cause the other person to feel trapped, under valued, or like they're the one that does everything. If neither person is needy, both can happily give because they want to, not because they "have" to. In other words, a relationship will work best when both individuals are self-sufficient, independent, and self-confident.

While there isn't a way to know right off the bat if the people we meet are these things, each of us has the power to become these things ourselves. If you do put in the time and effort to do so, you'll not only be in a better position to succeed in a relationship, but you will also find it much easier to find dates in the first place. These are things you can, and will probably need to work on over time, but you don't have to wait to start dating. Now we just need to know where to go to find dates.

I have seen tons of forum posts where people ask where they should go and many articles that list places.  In the end, only you know where you should look. There is no one place where everyone will find people they are compatible with. My advice to you is to stop looking for some magical place that does not exist.  Get out, try new things, and do the things you love to do. It is in these places that you will have the best opportunity to find what you are looking for.  These places are where you’re most confident, and that added confidence will show. 

Now that you know how important it is to be un-needy and confident, and you know where to look for dates, you’re ready to get out and find that special someone. I wish you the best of luck.  Now, get out and find your dream mate!

Just That Interesting: Internet dating sites

My friend, laFunk over at “Just That Interesting” has amazed me again with a brilliant blog about finding dates on Internet dating sites.  I wish I had had this advice when I was on the prowl. 

Just That Interesting: Internet dating sites

Anxiety, Dating, and Exercise

Everyone knows that exercise is for the most part good for them, but there are a number of advantages to exercise that many people don’t know. Of these, two are relevant to this blog.  You may already know or have noticed that exercise can make you more relaxed.  Another side effect, that I only know to be applicable to men is that after exercise you are more attractive to women. Let’s find out why.

Whenever you exercise, your body releases endorphins.  Endorphins are wonderful proteins that are known to reduce stress and frustration.  In other words, if you regularly exercise you will be on much better able to deal with your anxiety when necessary. There are a number of advantages that come from being less stressed.  You will be more relaxed which may on its own reduce your anxiety.  As you’re more relaxed, you will be able to more easily employ the techniques and strategies you’re using to reduce your anxiety.  Overall, you’ll may be much more comfortable.

Pheromones are another advantage to exercise.  These wonderful chemicals are excreted from our sweat glands and waft of into the air and have a positive effect on women. It is important to note that pheromones have no odor, and that smelling bad will likely negate their effects completely.  If you’re going out, and want to take advantage of your pheromones, you can go out for a quick run or jog after taking a shower.  Work yourself just enough to break a light sweat and stop because you don’t want to smell bad.

As you can see there are many benefits to exercise in addition to the health benefits that we normally associate with it.  Knowing this however doesn’t give us a place to start.  There are hundreds of ways to exercise, and you need to choose one that you find interesting so that will stick with it. There are even video games like Dance Dance Revolution and Wii Fit that you can play. I personally prefer to ride my bike for at least half an hour a day weather permitting.  When I can’t ride my bike, I play my drums, or Dance Dance Revolution.  Going to the gym can provide other advantages since it puts you into a social situation.  Overall the choice of what you’ll do is up to you, but if you take any of my advice, start exercising if you don’t already!

5 Ways to Boost Your Confidence to a New Level

Image courtesy of AarinFreePhoto.com.

1. Continue to Learn – The more you know, the more you have to be confident about.  Why not fill in with knowledge in areas where you’re not so confident.  Generally it helps to pick subjects that are relevent to the people you are around.  Perhaps sports, music, movies or current news would be good topics.  It also helps to learn more complicated subjects such as other such as areas of your work you’re not completely confident you know.
2. Take up a Hobby – Not only is a hobbies a productive way to pass free time, but they also give something else to be confident about.  Whether it’s collecting stamps, building models, painting, pottery, hunting, fishing, racing or any number of other things, you become an “expert” to those around you who are less involved in that hobby.
3. Get Some Exercise – Getting up and exercising is a great way to build confidence.  Exercise causes the release of endorphins which naturally make you feel good while being more fit will naturally make you more confident.
4. Organize – Knowing when you have to to be places, and where everything you need is is a great way to build some confidence.  Start keeping track of your bills, finding places to keep things, and keeping track of your appointments.
5. Dress Better – If you don’t already put effort into the things you wear, this can be a great way to boost your confidence.  You know when you look good, and so does everyone else, so put some effort into it.

Dating 101 for the Socially Anxious

Ok, so you've managed to overcome your anxiety enough to get a date, and now you're feeling the dread of the infamous first date. How can you do it? What will you say? Will you sink or swim? Ooooh, the anxiety.

Don't Panic. Did you bring your towel?

Relax, most of your anxiety is most likely caused by irrational fear.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you’re feeling.  What are you afraid of?  How does that make sense?  Once you know the answers to those questions, you can reason with yourself as I discussed in  “Inner Dialog - The Craziness in Us All”.  Beyond that, the most difficult part is being prepared to be social.

How Do I Prepare?

There are a few things that you can do to prepare for your first date that came make a huge difference.  Watch some of your favorite movies again.  Make sure to learn some of your favorite lines, and scenes so you can talk about them later.  Listen to your favorite music, and remind yourself why it is your favorite music. Get to know your likes and dislikes again, and rehearse talking about it with your self, and other people whenever you have a chance.  This will give you a ton of material to talk about while you are on your date.

Talk About Things You Know

I’m sure there are things that you’re very confident with that don’t cause anxiety.  Working these into conversation can be very useful.  As well as the benefit of having more material to talk about, this can lead to other advantageous side-effects.

Talking about the things that you are intimately comfortable will help you to think about those things.  While you are thinking of them, you will slip into the same state you were in as you experienced them.  This will help you to be more comfortable, confident, and prepared to forge forward.  Your anxiety may disappear altogether.

Where Should We Do?

The answer to this question depends on you.  I would suggest doing something that you are comfortable with.  If you are comfortable going out to a particular restaurant, go there.  If you have a ton of fun, skydiving, do that.  Whatever you’re most comfortable doing, that’s what you should do.  This will allow you to be more comfortable to begin with.  If you’re not comfortable doing something, it will only add to your anxiety, but if you do something you are comfortable with, you’ll tend to forget about the things that cause your anxiety and have fun.

But What if I get Rejected?

I wish I could say that rejection isn’t a possibility, but fortunately it is. If you’ve done as I have talked about and you still get rejected, you’re love interest isn’t interested in the same things that you are.   In fact, if he/she isn’t interested in the things that are important to your, you should be the one  rejecting him/her. 

If your date is genuinely interested in these things, you won’t get rejected.  If you do get rejected, that just saves you the additional anxiety of having to reject your date. 

And Now the Date

Now you can plan and go to your date.  You will be prepared to talk about the things you are most comfortable with, do something that you are comfortable with, and be able to get yourself into a state where you are empowered.  Now it’s time to let your anxiety fade away and know that if you should be together, you will be.