Realistically Coping With Approach Anxiety

Most of us who have had to deal with approach anxiety (AA) have heard at least one person tell us “Just do it and it will get easier with time” and assuming that you’re approach anxiety is just as easily dealt with as theirs was.  If you’re reading this because of your AA, it’s probably because you haven’t been able to bring yourself to “Just do it.”  I am writing this primarily because I know how difficult approaching the opposite (or in some cases same) sex can be.

Approach anxiety is something that is experienced by both men and women.  In fact women may experience it to a greater extent due to the fact that traditionally it is the man who approaches the woman.  Due to this, women often feel anxiety for the same reasons as men, but additionally the pressure that society puts on them to not approach.  Because of that many women pass up what they want, and opportunity flies by.  In my opinion, we should all be enabled to go after what we want.

Anything good in life takes some work, and approach anxiety is no exception.  Believing that anything can make it disappear instantly is going cause you to become more and more frustrated until you eventually give up.  Instead it is important to focus on the small accomplishments you make from day to day, making sure to give yourself at least as much credit as you deserve.  If you remain positive you will make progress, be more motivated, be more relaxed, and your anxiety will fade away more quickly than if you try to take on more than you can handle at one time.  You shouldn’t look at this as if controlling your anxiety will take more time than you had hoped.  Instead view it as if you now have a plan to incrementally decrease your approach anxiety.  A plan that will allow you to become more confident in your social skills and abilities with each day that passes.  The false hopes of conquering your anxiety “magically” are now behind you, and you now have the empowerment and knowledge to realistically tackle what it is you have set out to do with confidence and determination.

Good Luck!

Anxiety, Dating, and Exercise

Everyone knows that exercise is for the most part good for them, but there are a number of advantages to exercise that many people don’t know. Of these, two are relevant to this blog.  You may already know or have noticed that exercise can make you more relaxed.  Another side effect, that I only know to be applicable to men is that after exercise you are more attractive to women. Let’s find out why.

Whenever you exercise, your body releases endorphins.  Endorphins are wonderful proteins that are known to reduce stress and frustration.  In other words, if you regularly exercise you will be on much better able to deal with your anxiety when necessary. There are a number of advantages that come from being less stressed.  You will be more relaxed which may on its own reduce your anxiety.  As you’re more relaxed, you will be able to more easily employ the techniques and strategies you’re using to reduce your anxiety.  Overall, you’ll may be much more comfortable.

Pheromones are another advantage to exercise.  These wonderful chemicals are excreted from our sweat glands and waft of into the air and have a positive effect on women. It is important to note that pheromones have no odor, and that smelling bad will likely negate their effects completely.  If you’re going out, and want to take advantage of your pheromones, you can go out for a quick run or jog after taking a shower.  Work yourself just enough to break a light sweat and stop because you don’t want to smell bad.

As you can see there are many benefits to exercise in addition to the health benefits that we normally associate with it.  Knowing this however doesn’t give us a place to start.  There are hundreds of ways to exercise, and you need to choose one that you find interesting so that will stick with it. There are even video games like Dance Dance Revolution and Wii Fit that you can play. I personally prefer to ride my bike for at least half an hour a day weather permitting.  When I can’t ride my bike, I play my drums, or Dance Dance Revolution.  Going to the gym can provide other advantages since it puts you into a social situation.  Overall the choice of what you’ll do is up to you, but if you take any of my advice, start exercising if you don’t already!

The Therapeutic Qualities of Social Networks

Since it was released, I have been hearing quite a bit about this new social network called “Plurk.”  Initially I put off joining as I didn’t want to have to interact with people to build another network of friends.  Finally yesterday I decided to join and see what all of the hype was about.  Initially I started out with the one person I could find that I in my friends list on nearly every social network.  From there it began to expand.  I was reading plurks, commenting and having a blast. Before long, the anxiety I had experienced that had previously kept me from participating in other social networks had disappeared.  I soon realized, that if designed right, social networks could contribute to my quest of reducing my social anxiety.

The Downfalls

Before I get into how social networking can help your social anxiety I want to make it very clear that if you don’t use caution, it could actually slow your progress.  While social networking can help build communication and social skills, it may be very easy for some people to allow it to become their social life.  If you rely on the anonymity of talking to people online to avoid dealing with your real world problem, you problem will likely become worse.  That isn’t why you’re here, so don’t let it happen.

Getting Started 

The first thing you need to do is decide which site you wish to network on.  I would recommend Plurk because it seems to be the most social site of all of the networks I belong to.  I invite you all to join, and friend me (SociallyDistressed) as that will give you a starting point.  Once you have joined, if you didn’t friend me, you’re first task will be to find people you know to network with.  If you friend me (click here), you already have a decent starting point.  From there you can either post your own plurks, find more people to friend or fan, and start networking.

How Can This Help?

There are many reasons this can help.  It provides a great medium for working on your social skills.  There are always conversations that you can jump in on, and you can start your own.  Depending on how much anxiety you experience while talking to people online, this will may also provide some useful systematic desensitization. 

Come, join me, and let’s have a blast!

Inner Dialog - The Craziness in Us All

When you pass someone on the street who is muttering unintelligibly to himself, you most likely take a moment to consider, how crazy that person must be. If you're thinking about it though, you're having your own conversation about it, just internally. This internal conversation that we all have is what is known as "Internal Dialog."

Our internal dialog plays a huge role in how we will feel, act and react in social situations. If your internal dialog is positive and reassuring, you will be much more comfortable than if it is negative. This is why, as social anxiety sufferers, it is important that we pay attention to our internal dialog. Even a small change in our internal dialog can contribute very quickly to putting our anxiety in check.

The biggest difficulty I have had in noticing my internal dialog is that when I am in an anxious situation, my mind empties, and I forget to pay attention to my thoughts. At one point, I was nearly convinced that I would never be able to to remember what I was thinking while I was anxious. Fortunately I didn't give up and eventually discovered that if remembering your thoughts is just like most other things in life. You have to practice it.

I came to this conclusion by considering the things I am good at. Why does my anxiety drive me when I am on stage playing drums? Why does it do the same when I am at the center of attention in meetings? The answer had been in front of me all along, yet it was never directly stated. Just like playing drums, or being able to make highly detailed technical presentations, I had to practice paying attention to my thoughts to get good at it.

Now I, and you can begin to get to the heart of the craziness that we feed ourselves in our own minds. We can start to do away with those crazy limiting beliefs, self-criticisms and illogical fears. The one thing we're still missing is how to get from point A to point B. How do you practice paying attention to your thoughts?

Start here - What are you thinking about right now? Good, find a way to remind yourself to think about it again in 5 minutes. You might want to set an alarm or find another way of cuing yourself to think about it. I haven't tried it, but perhaps one could use NLP to install a trigger. Personally I started by using the time I spend driving to and from work to monitor my thoughts.

Once you become proficient at paying attention to your thinking at your set times, expand it and try to remember to pay attention in more and more stressful situations. Perhaps someone just said something that upset you - What are you thinking now?

So far I have focused completely on paying attention to what you are thinking, not trying to change what your internal dialog is. The truth is, that even just consciously realizing what you are thinking may cause a drastic change in the way you feel. This is probably because one you've consciously taken control of your thought process, you realize that your fears are irrational. Should that not be the case, there is still plenty of hope left.

Now that you know what you think to yourself while you are anxious, you can start to attempt to change your internal dialog. As crazy as it sounds, you can talk to yourself internally. Ask your internal dialog, "Why, when I am in this situation, do you tell me this?" It may surprise you to find that you will get an answer. Don't tell your inner dialog that it is wrong to have this opinion, but instead ask it how it believes this is beneficial to you. At this point, the answer may or may not make sense to you, but just as if you were talking to another person, keep asking questions until you understand why your internal dialog "feels" this way. At this point, you can begin to reason with it.

This was initially difficult for me, but it helped me to imagine that I was actually talking to a different person. Now you need to consider the reasoning your internal dialog had for presenting you with the dialog it did, and come up with suggestions in how it can better help you in the future. "I think it would be better in this situation if you were to tell me this and this because of this and this, don't you think?" Continue to reason with your inner dialog until you can come to an agreement on something that would be more helpful to you.

During this process you may notice that your inner dialog may have justify what it tells you using actual things that have happened to you. In this case you will want to remember these, and write them down when you are done, so that you can reflect on these. I would recommend bringing these up to your therapist if you are seeing one as these may be key to helping you in the future.

If you follow this technique, and take the time to do it correctly, you will probably notice at least some improvement in a fairly short time. Some people may notice a huge change immediately, but as with all good things, these changes can also take time.

The Curse of Self-Limiting Beliefs

In many ways, the beliefs we have define the people we are. Whether positive or negative they define how we interpret and react to each and every situation we experience. Usually it is easy to tell the difference between our positive and negative though, but one type of beliefs, self-limiting beliefs, can often fall into a grey area where they are difficult to realize.



One subset of self-limiting beliefs is very dangerous because they masquerade as positive beliefs that have some potential benefits even though they still limit our over all potential. These beliefs often come in the form of "I can still do this even though I can't do that" or "Even though blah blah blah holds me back there are other ways I can accomplish this." Both of these forms of though may affirm that we can do something, but they limit the range of possible approaches we have to accomplish it.



There are also much more obious self-limiting beliefs. For instance one might think to himself "She would never go out with a guy like me." or "I will never make that much money in my life. Both of these may very well be true, but just as easily as they could be true, they could also be false. If you limit yourself to not trying, how will you ever know?


The negativity associated with these beliefs may not be immedietly noticible because it is implied from the segment of possibilities that we believe we "can't" do even if the belief expresses itself in a positive way. In other words if were to have a problem with walking forwards for some reason, the belief that I could walk to my car backward instead would be a self-limiting belief. This implies that I "can't" walk to my car forwards, and thus I am intentionally excluding the possibility of walking forward because I am afraid to do so. In this way, the limiting belief gives me an excuse to only walk backwards because I can, allowing me the to more easily put off learning to cope with walking forward comfortably. Now I know that is a stupid example, but it explains the general idea very well.

You may be wondering how you can know if a belief is a limiting belief. You can start by thinking of a situation you are uncomfortable in. What beliefs do you have about your ability to deal with that situation? How would normally act and what would you say. Next think about what your internal dialogue would be telling you. From this you should be able to infer how your beliefs limit you to the resources you normally have available to you and exclude the other possibilities.

Once you have identified your limiting believes, you'll need to find a way to expand your possibilities. Sometimes just understanding what was holding you back, and that there are other possibilities will be enough. In other cases you may need to boost your self-esteem, or learn new things to open up new possibilities. No matter the case, identifying, and coping with your limiting beliefs will definitely open new possibilities for you.

10 Things You Should Do Before Going Out This Weekend

With Memorial Day weekend just a few days away, I thought it would be a great time to put together a list some of the things you can do before going out to help reduce some of your social anxiety.

1. Take a shower or bath - You may already take showers before you go out to make sure that you are clean, but take one even if you don't need it. The warm water will relax you, causing you to be more comfortable.
2. Shave - You don't have to shave off whatever style of facial hair you have. Just touch it up so that you are comfortable that it looks good.
3. Listen to Music - More specifically, listen to music that will help put you in the state you would like to be in. It helps to put some consideration into how different types of music affect you specifically. My favorite song to listen to right before I leave or right before I get out of my car is Clawfinger's "The Biggest and the Best" because it puts me in a very resourceful, confident and determined state.
4. Watch Something Funny - What better is there to put you into a state to have fun? Comedy will lighten your mood and make everything a little bit easier.
5. Exercise After Your Shower - Getting excercize will put you in a more powerfull mood, but perhaps what is more important is what breaking a light sweat might do. We release pheremones in our sweat, so this may help make you more attractive to women. Just remember you don't want to smell bad, so don't over do it.
6. Dress Nice - I'm sure you've heard the expression "Dress for Success." The better you dress, the better you'll feel about how your dressed. In other words dressing better will give you one less thing to not feel confident about.
7. Eat a Healthy Dinner - I'm sure you know its good to eat healthy, but do you know why? If you're going to be drinking, having food in your stomach is always a plus, but also, eating healthy can give you a sense of accomplishment before you leave your house.
8. Have Some Material You Can Use - Do you ever have those awkward moments where you don't seem to have anything to say? Before you go memorize some jokes and information that you think might be appropriate for the social situations you will be in. You'll be much more confident when you know that you have something to say.
9. Clean Up Your House - Is your house a little messy? Would you be embarassed to have people come in? If so, clean it up. You'll feel much better if you do, plus you never know what might happen.
10. Have Fun - This is by far the most important thing on my list. What is the point in going out if you arn't going to have fun yourself? The simple fact is that if you're having fun, others will be drawn to you because they want to have fun as well. If someone makes fun of you, they're probably just jealous becuase you're having fun and they're not so help them have fun to.

I wish the best to all of my readers this wonderful Memorial Day weekend. I'll be out and about as well, so wish me luck as well. Just be safe.

Approach Anxiety » Blog Archive » What Kind of Guy Just Walks Up to a Woman and Says Hi?

Approach Anxiety » Blog Archive » What Kind of Guy Just Walks Up to a Woman and Says Hi?

As you may remember, I wrote a post a few days ago, "10 Tips for Approaching that Hot Girl" where I said "Just do it." Well , Eric over at ApproachAnxiety.com has written an article that expands upon that nicely. In it he does a very good job of listing the excuses you might have, and provides a method you an use to deal with them. Check it out.

10 Tips for Approaching That Hot Girl

1. Just do it - It doesn't matter what the outcome is in the end, you will never know if you don't try.
2. Approach quickly - Don't give yourself the opportunity to talk yourself out of doing it
3. Be yourself - Don't act differently than you normally would. If you do try to be something that you're not your body language will give you away.
4. Trying and failing is better than standing around - Who would you have more respect for - The guy who just stands around looking dumb or the guy with the balls to approach her?
5. Don't offer to buy her a drink - While doing so might get her to listen to you for a few minutes, it will immediately throw you into the same category as all of the other chumps that offer to buy her drinks. There are better ways to get women to talk to you.
6. Be fun - Don't interview or interrogate her. She's there to have fun, and if you show her that you can have a good time with or without you, guess what she's going to want?
7. Don't be hard on yourself - No matter what you do managed to do, dont be hard on yourself if you fail to do what you wante to do. Look at what you did accomplish, and next time try to do better. If you thrive on your failure instead of concentrating on your successes, it will be harder next time. If you look at your success for what it is, you'll be more successfull next time.
8. Dress well - You don't have to wear a suit and a tie, but you definitely don't want to be dressed in the cloths you wore to work on your car that afternoon. While looking nice may not be the key to unlocking the door into a relationship, it will help get you get those first few words in.
9. She's not the only girl in the world - There are alot of available women out there and if she chooses not to talk to you, that's her loss because someone else will get the opportunity. Plus going into the situation realizing that its ot the end of the world if she shoots you down will make you less nervous and more likely to succeed.
10. Be Confident - You have nothing to lose, only something to gain. If you are 100% confident approaching and talking to her she will respect it, especially if she is really hot. Hot women are used to men being intimidated by them so she'll be interested in you when you're not.

5 Tips for Improving Approach Anxiety

Many people suffer from approach anxiety and don't even know what it is. In fact, I struggled with mine for a long time before I had any clue what I was dealing with. Essentially, approach anxiety is a fear of approaching people you do or do not know to start or join a conversation. I read dozens of books trying to understand how I could lessen this fear, but nothing seemed to address and explain the exact fears I had.

Amazingly, it wasn't until I happened upon a group of pick-up artists that I discovered that what I was suffering from was called "approach anxiety" and started to learn what it was and how to deal with it. The techniques I'll present here employ a number of methodologies such as NLP which you will probably want to learn more about before attempting. Also, keep in mind that anything you do to alter the way you think or act can potentially be dangerous so you should always consult a professional counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist before attempting any of the tips I provide. The tips I provide are provided for entertainment purposes only and I will not be held responsible for any damages that may occur should you attempt them with or without the advice of a professional.

The Tips:

1. Learn to pay attention to your thoughts. In situations where we are uncomfortable, it often difficult to pay attention to or remember what we are thinking. As with most things, practicing this will make it easier. Start by practicing paying attention to your thoughts when you arn't uncomfortable. What is your mind telling you? What do you feel? How are you breathing? Getting in the habit of doing this when you are comfortable will make it more likely that you will think to do so when you arn't comfortable.
2. Break the pattern immediately before your anxiety begins. Once you are to a point where you are more generally aware of what you are thinking all of the time, you should be able to pay attention to the things you do (your state) right before you begin to experience your approach anxiety. Knowing when you begin to experience your approach anxiety and what you normally do at that time can allow you to break the pattern you normally follow and possibly reduce your anxiety. No matter what you normally do right before you feel the anxiety, force yourself to do something different. For instance, if you normally put your hands in your pocket, clap them together instead. This can work better sometimes if you do something empowering like clapping your hands, thrusting your fists towards the floor, or jump up.
3. Use NLP Techniques. I won't discuss specific techniques here because I havn't developed any of my own and I believe the authors of the books I learned the techniques from deserve their royalties. I will reccomend a few books at the end of this post which do a very good job of explaining the necessary techniques. It is important to note that none of the NLP techniques that I have found specifically target approach anxiety. Fortunately approach anxiety is essentially a phobia, and there are many approaches to helping phobias. Depending on what your Approach Anxiety (AA) stems from, one technique may work for you better than another. I must say that I definitely wouldn't reccomend passing over NLP. Of all of the tips that I reccomend, NLP offers the opportunity for the fastest change.
4. Talk to a Therapist. Therapists have of experience dealing with people with phobias and social issues. They can help you to understand the roots of your fears much more quickly than you could on your own.
5. Talk To People. After all you're trying to get rid of a fear of approaching people. Just say "Hi" to everyone you pass in the store or at work. Do this enough and saying "Hi" will just become natural. After that it may not be that hard to keep saying more.

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